Why Do We Have to Be So…Different!
I heard a drama presented on how relationships often go from courtship to struggles in marriage.
See if you can identify with this…
A woman meets a man and right away notices…he is so different. She talks to her friends about him, and they say… but he is so different. She gets to know him and appreciates that many of his ways are different from hers and she explains this as “opposites attract”. She tells her friends that the fact that he is different is one of his charms. She goes home and tells her parents that he has proposed, and they say, “No! Not him! He is so different!” The woman defends her fiancé and says that she loves him for his differences. Their wedding is planned, and they face some disagreements because he is so different. After just a few short months of marriage, tension begins to build as he constantly does things differently than the woman would have. He does not know how to fold towels and t-shirts like she does. He does not put the toilet paper on the roll going the right direction. He does not clean up after himself like she would. On and on the list goes. She says to herself, “He is just so different.” Things get worse as they have disagreements, and she runs to her parents and complains that she wants to leave him because…he is so different.
Sound familiar? It should for many. Marriage is a difficult arrangement in that a man and a woman (for this is the only definition of marriage God recognizes) come from different customs, traditions, styles, priorities, ethics, and sometimes morals and are expected to co-exist and love one another with nowhere else to run when things heat up. This can be quite a challenge. Add to that the fact that men and women are so different mentally, emotionally and communicatively and you have a formula for some funny times and some difficult times as well.
In our day of non-discrimination and equality, we have mistaken this to mean that men and women are the same. Not just to be treated with the same dignity and value and respect, we take this to mean there should be no difference between them. Nothing could be further from the truth. The Bible even gives different instructions for how husbands and wives are to treat one another! Ephesians 5:33 says, “Nevertheless, each individual among
Ephesians 5:33 says, “Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.” Notice the command is different because God made us different. What does this mean? Basically, that men and women have different needs. Women need to feel loved. This does not mean they cannot survive without candy and flowers every day. It means that they need to know that the heart of their husband is captured with them. There are different ways of communicating and receiving this love. For help, see Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, “The Five Love Languages” published by Northfield Publishing in 1992, 1995 and 2004. But, what about men? Men need to know that you respect
But, what about men? Men need to know that you respect them. That means they need to know that you look up to them and that you recognize their value and importance in your life. Some people have tried to say this is the same as what women want, but it is different. Men need to know that they matter and that their lives are important and are making a difference for you. For more information on this, see Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’ book, “Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs” published by Thomas Nelson in 2004.
Because we are different, yet equally valuable, we need to not seek to conform each other to our expectations but respect our differences and yet work to have a unified marriage and a unity in marriage that does not mean the same thing as uniformity. After all, if all the world’s ice cream tasted like vanilla, what fun would that be? For more information on some of the differences of men and women, see Bill and Pam Farrel’s book, “Men Are Like Waffles and Women Are Like
Spaghetti: Understanding and Delighting in Your Differences” published by Harvest House Publishers in 2001.