Kids Bible Stories

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JC Bunkhouse

Today is the Bible according to kids who attend Sunday School and Vacation Bible School in our churches. I put it together and condensed for some sort of continuity:

A long time ago, right before the beginning there was nothin’ but God. There was a lot of darkness, and some various gases. Somewhere in the Bible it says, “The Lord thy God is One.” That’s not quite right. I know God sees time different, but I know He is much older than one. Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ Well, fire and gas don’t mix. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but there were no mirrors.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure about the driver and the car, but a lot of people in the Bible rode around in one accord. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. One day, he wasn’t Abel any more.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like close to a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a huge boat and put his family and a bunch of stinky animals on it. After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, who was actually Charlton Hesston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Fayrow after God sent ten plagues which included things like frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with mannicotti. Then He gave them His Top Ten Rules. Some of them are normal stuff like: don’t kill, lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or cover up your neighbor’s stuff. Oh, yeah, “Humor thy father and thy mother.” Mom says I’m funny.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and a fence fell over on the town.

Then David became king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but I don’t know?

And there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale, and but Jonah gave the whale a tummy ache and the whale barfed him up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but they stayed in the minors.

Then there is a New Testament. It’s about Jesus. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. I don’t think it had doors. They laid Him in a feed troft.

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Herisies and Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums that followed him around. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a yucky vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards of their spots and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. And He is an awesome Son of God!

But the Republicans and all those Heresie guys put Jesus on trial before Poncho the Pilot. Poncho didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolutions. Well, that’s pretty much all we learned from Bible School and Preachin’ down at the church.

Folks, this was for fun. I don’t take credit for the above, I just put it together. The kids in our churches are really learnin’ about Jesus in Bible School and preaching, and you will too!

Choose Jesus, choose life! And find a Bible believin’ church where you “fit in” and know, grow, and follow Christ! See y’all at church and keep PRAYIN’ for HIS HARVEST! And y’all KEEP PRAYIN’ for RAIN! Amen